F*cking Amaising (I was once told...)

I am me!

In all the world there is no-one else exactly like me. (Which is probably a good thing). There are people out there with parts ‘like’ me but no-one adds up exactly ‘to’ me. I am the sum of only my parts. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone choose it.

I own everything about me – My body, including everything it does; my mind, including all my thoughts and ideas; my eyes and everything they see; my feelings, be they love, anger, hope, disappointment, frustration, optimism, failure or success; my mouth and all the stuff that pours out of it – be it polite, nasty, rough, hurtful, loving, right or wrong, joking, soothing or just plain politically incorrect; all my actions, whether they be to others or myself.

I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my desires, my worries, my fears.

I own all my own successes and all of my failures.

Because I own all of me, warts and all, I can become and have become, intimately acquainted with myself. By doing so I can love or hate me and be accepting of all my parts. By knowing me I can hopefully make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests most of the time.

I know there are aspects of me that puzzle me and other aspects of me that I do not know yet. But as long as I am friendly to myself I can look to the future, hopefully find the solutions to the puzzles and fill in the missing pieces.

However I look and sound, whatever I say or do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment I take ownership of it. It is authentic and represents exactly where and who I am at that time.

When I look back later at how I looked and sounded, what I said or did and thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be inappropriate. Hopefully in the future I can discard that which was inappropriate and keep only that which is appropriate. I’ll invent something new to fill the gap.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do. I have the tools and the will to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, to hopefully make sense and order out of my world and the things outside of me which impact upon me.

I own me so hopefully I can engineer or re-invent me as needed.

I am only me and hopefully I (and you) are okay with that.

So right now, I feel the need to re-invent myself a little. I have a list of people to call and things to do to see how feasible my re-invention is but I do at least feel the need. The road I’ve been walking for the past four years has come to another dead end but life is a maze. I need to take a few steps backwards and find the right path.

Someone once said (or I heard somewhere) that if you keep the same wall to the right hand side of you at all times without a break eventually you’ll find your way out of any mais (sic). Perhaps I’ve been jumping gaps here and there so have become lost? My strengths definitely aren’t working in conjunction with people. I work better on my own except for perhaps Diane who I trust implicitly, has only ever done good by me and although sometimes I’ve probably hurt her or pissed her off at times has never let me down.

Let’s see what transpires over the next few days huh? I think I can hear that old Vice Squad song I used to have on my SpazMe page playing in the background once more…  Let’s up and at ‘em eh?