It's been well over a year since my last journal...
In that time I've opened a photographic studio and seen it close. I've been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, partially lost my sight while the drugs to combat said diabetes kicked in and then regained 97% of my sight back (I have problems with focusing). I've been diagnosed with neuropathy which will never go away but can be mostly kept at bay with drugs. I've been told I might have brain stem disease but won't know for sure until another medical check-up which might lead to an MRI scan if I still have the symptoms. I have been disowned by my mother. My depression has worsened. I've been on a religious/spiritual search. I've alienated and lost friends. I've self harmed and considered suicide nearly every day. I've had to sell nearly all of my photographic equipment to survive financially. I sold my car to afford Christmas 2009. I faced a seven month battle with my landlord to fix a potentially deadly shower and the heating throughout the house. I have been threatened with bankruptcy. I am in a financial situation where things like bread and milk are now almost luxuries and I am being evicted.
Still, one mustn't grumble!
While the diabetes has been hard to manage and my blood sugar levels are all over the show at least I'm not getting worse and have the cocktail of drugs to manage it.
The neuropathy while incredibly annoying is at least now mostly bearable thanks to some new drugs I'm on.
97% of my sight is far better than it was, I can live with that.
If I do have brain stem disease it's due to the diabetes and while not curable is degenerative so I'm not likely to just keel over and die.
While I might never be re-owned by my mother my relationship with my father got a little better.
Two of the major issues I was dealing with that were partly to blame for the depression have been dealt with by the logic of a friend that has never let me down even though I've hurt her in the past. She is my best friend.
I've mostly come to terms with religion.
I haven't lost all of my friends, only the ones that probably didn't matter.
I've resisted self harming recently and obviously haven't committed suicide even though I might have wanted to.
I've managed to keep what I consider to be my core photographic equipment.
We were a two car family so while the loss of one car has meant a dent to my freedom it hasn't curtailed it completely and to be honest I've become a bit of a hermit anyway while I deal with my issues.
The heating and shower were eventually fixed and even though we spent the coldest parts of this past winter without heating we at least had heating from December onwards and the shower didn't kill us.
Oddly, I still don't know whether I'm bankrupt but my credit rating was shot to pieces anyway, bankruptcy couldn't make it any worse and would wipe all my debts in one hit.
We have survived financially... Barely and we have a new house to move into that might need an awful lot of work but it's the same size and completely affordable.
So...
Things have been bad, real bad and have almost cost me my relationship with Jo along the way... Almost. She is still here and I think we're working out our issues.
Things have been bad but one can put positive spin on anything if one tries hard enough. You just need to know where to look for it.
I'm still in a majorly fucked up place but although I can't see it I know there's light at the end of the tunnel somewhere.
Photography was the dream job for me that would help me to realise the rest of my dreams. One only fails if one fails to try. I've tried and failed so far but hopefully learnt some things along the way.
I still have my dream.
The thing that the depression has damaged the most is my motivation... You may have noticed the distinct lack of photography from me. I lack the motivation to do anything apart from download TV shows off the internet and watch whole series at a time. I also sleep. A lot. Far too much.
But.
I've decided that somehow I'm going to work on my motivation, because quietly... When I've been able, I've been working on a plan. A plan to turn this shit around. A big plan. A plan that will realise all my dreams. A multi pronged, five part plan. Something new that will utilise all I've learnt, all the skills I have and will be both altruistic and self-serving.
When I've finished moving into the new house, somehow, I'll get my motivation back and instead of spending my life procrastinating I'll start to do. When I do start to do I'll learn to juggle. When I can juggle I'll know I'm on the mend.
When I'm mended... Watch out world, I might fail again but hopefully I'll make a big fucking dent along the way. No-one will be able to say I didn't try!
Remember kids... You can still buy the official 'neolestat' mug!
I'm not looking to benefit financially here so you have the choice of hitting the 'buy this print' button or going to `
Flutterings mugs for charity page and buying it in aid of cancer research. All I want from you is for you to raise a toast for me, using this mug, regardless of who you bought it from.
Community Choice
Art Trade – Kind of! You may or may not have noticed while you browse my gallery that quite a few of my pics are available as prints. Getting to the point; originally, I wanted to see if I could make a little moolah out of dA but it seems that for most of us it sure don't work that way. Yeah, ok, I sell a few prints here and there but far too few to rave about or to make any difference to my finances. A year or so back I even changed my payment type to deviant dollars rather than go through the hassle of cashing cheques. It pays my way on dA and lets me help out here and there by slipping the odd Subscription to people or groups I care about.
If you've read the above you know I'm moving house, my walls will be bare and so I came up with a happy little plan:
I want you to buy my art. I urge you to buy my art so that in return I can buy the art of others here and thus keep the artistic community economy on dA thriving. Think of it as a moving-in gift with benefits. You guys buy my work, I get deviant dollars for it that I spend on artists within our community and thereby decorate my walls. Who knows, it might even be you I buy art from so think of it as a trade if you will. Sure it's a gamble, I might not buy your work but I do promise that I won't be turning those dollars into cash and you'll get some rather natty photography by me for your own walls. It's a win-win situation.
Modelling 101 – Release Forms: [link]
Model Safety News Article: [link] If you are a photographer or a model these are relevant to YOU. I would like to think as many people have seen these as possible. Please go to the news article if you haven't already and add them to your page as a news fave using the heart icon below my avatar, top left of the page.
It will take less than a minute of your time to fave these yet could save models and togs a whole bunch of heartache and help weed out the sharks from the ethical. What's to lose? I am only helping to promote safe, best practise photography to all.
Optimism 
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